How I Got Here
by Clearlydysfunctional
Summary: I love him. It excuses nothing, but even now, it's still true. And it's the only explanation I can offer for how I got here. Not the traditional happy ending.
1. Prologue

**How I Got Here.**

**I love him.**

** It excuses nothing, but even now it's still true. **

**And it's the only explanation I can offer for how I got here.**

**Prologue**

I deserve this, make no mistake about that.

I am by no means innocent in it all.

I can't claim it was an unwitting mistake; that I didn't know.

There was no manipulation.

I wasn't fooled or lied to.

No one persuaded me.

It didn't happen _to_ me.

I wasn't a victim in any of this.

I could spin it that way if I wanted to; people would believe it.

I could probably walk away from this relatively unscathed, even with some sympathy.

They'd blame it on my falsely perceived vulnerability, my assumed fragile state of mind, my alleged susceptibility to being taken advantage of.

But none of that was true.

I knew exactly what I was doing.

I was fully aware what I was risking.

It was a conscious decision I made, knowing it could never end well.

Yet I did it anyway.

I had always been a willing participant.

So here I am, standing amid the fallout; witnessing the hurt and pain I caused.

Knowing I did this.

And I am a despicable human being.

Because I don't regret a single second of it.

I am not sorry.


	2. Chapter 1

**Fair warning; In this story Bella is no saint, neither is Edward.**

**Chapter 1**

**August 2012**

It only took meeting him briefly to know I'd like him.

How one chance encounter changed so much is still beyond me; but for me, it really did all start that day at the store.

It was a little over two years ago and I'd probably seen him around before that. We live in a fairly small community; I saw a lot of the same people.

But I rarely paid attention to anyone.

I'm not big on people.

I don't do small talk or unnecessary pleasantries. I don't want to pretend I give a shit about someone's new haircut or where they went on holiday.

I don't care.

I was, and still am, completely uninterested in making friends; I like the ones I have just fine, and I can count them on one hand.

This is why it was unusual that I noticed him at all; it wasn't in my nature.

I want to say it was his height that made me notice him.

He is crazy tall.

But in all honestly, it wasn't that.

I felt him before I looked at him.

I was at the store, waiting impatiently to be served, when I sensed him behind me.

It wasn't annoying, like when someone stands too close to you in the queue as if invading your personal space will somehow magically make the line go faster.

No, this was different.

It reminded me of that strange feeling you get when you know a certain person has walked into the same crowded room as you even though you have your back to them.

And that's what made me look over my shoulder, and then up, because that's when I noticed his height.

I was about to flash him my well-practiced 'oh shit I accidentally made eye-contact, and I can't just stare blankly,' fake smile, when he spoke.

"Hi."

"Hey," I replied; I might not be a people person, but I'm not outright rude.

However, I wasn't there to chat either, I wanted to get to the check-out, buy my wine, and get the hell out of there.

"So, do you come here often?"

Now usually I have a some kind of verbal filter, I really do, I try my best to behave like a normal human being when I'm in public; but I was so shocked he'd asked me that, that I couldn't help my response.

"Of course I fucking do," I said turning to face him properly. "It's the only store in this shitty little town. _Everybody_ comes here often; hence the fucking ridiculous line for the checkout."

Yeah, I have a foul mouth, I've been told many times it's unfeminine, unbecoming and sometimes just plain offensive, but I am who I am.

If he was shocked by my little outburst, he didn't show it.

In fact he smirked at me; full on smirked, raised eyebrows and everything.

And I instinctively knew, he wasn't actually trying to pick me up at the grocery store.

He was fucking with me.

Sounds crazy, but that's all it took.

One stupid question and a smirk.

I knew right then that I'd like him.

I couldn't help the amused smile that broke out on my face, even as I shook my head at him and turned back around.

We didn't say anything else that day, but I was acutely aware of him.

I could feel his eyes on me when I was at the check-out, and as I was leaving I glanced at him.

He was already watching me and as we made eye-contact he winked at me.

I nodded once in reply, feeling strangely embarrassed.

I didn't know who he was or anything about him.

But I left the store determined to find out.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**September 2012**

He was everywhere.

After that one meeting at the store, I seemed to see him wherever I went.

Not that I went far.

Sometimes I'd just be taking the trash out and he'd be driving past my house at that exact moment.

Whenever he was near I'd get that same weird feeling. I didn't even have to be looking; I just knew it was him.

Occasionally he'd see me, but I always saw him.

The mess of hair.

The impeccable suits he always wore.

The strong nose and sharp angular jawline.

The vibrant green eyes that danced with amusement, then winked at me, whenever he caught me watching him.

I couldn't deny the man was hot; and driving me insane with thoughts of him.

I still didn't know who he was, but I was drawn to him.

I had an overwhelming urge to know him.

I finally plucked up the courage to speak to my best friend Rose about him while she was over one morning having coffee.

"So…, there's this guy." I sort of whispered. I don't know why; there was no one else around.

The comical way her mouth hung open as she looked at me stunned, made me laugh.

"Isabella Swan! Are you telling me that after knowing you for six years you've actually met a man?"

"Well, I've seen him around; I don't know him, but I want to." I admitted.

"What's he look like? I'll probably know who it is."

She was right, if anyone knew who he was, she would; she knew everyone.

Rose is far friendlier than me, and she's lived here a lot longer. People assume she's just a nosy gossip, but I know her better than that, and more importantly I trust her implicitly.

"He's tall and hot." I told her.

"I'm gonna need a bit more than that to work with Bella." She laughed.

"Not normal tall," I tried to explain. "I mean, like, fucking circus freak tall! Green eyes, messy hair, every time I've seen him he's wearing a suit….,"

I could see her mind working overtime before realisation hit her.

She slapped her hand down on my dining room table making me jump.

"Edward Cullen!" she almost yelled.

"I don't know," I shrugged, trying not to give away how pleased I was to have a name for him.

"You know Mason Cullen…," Rose continued. Looking at me like that should mean something, but it didn't; I'd never heard of either of them so I shook my head.

"For the love of God," she sighed, "Do you pay attention to anything? Mason goes to school with Kate."

"My Kate?" I asked surprised.

"No," she responded sarcastically rolling her eyes, and I flipped her the bird.

"Mason is his eldest son. Christ Bella, of all the men in town, you had to go and notice Edward Cullen. Drives a black flashy car?"

"Yeah, that's him. I guess he's married?" I didn't try to hide the disappointment in my voice.

"No, I don't think he ever has been, he moved here about ten years ago with Tanya Denali and their two boys, but it was no secret that he cheated on her left right and centre; they split up soon after getting into town. He's lived alone since then."

"So, he's single?" I perked up a bit, and she looked concerned by my obvious interest in him.

"Yeah, I think so, but…," She smiled at me sadly. "He's not someone you should get caught up with. Everybody round here knows who and what he is."

I nodded and she seemed relieved.

She thought I'd heard her warning and taken it on board, but the truth was; while everybody else might know who Edward Cullen was, I didn't.

I decided then and there that I wasn't gonna judge him by what other people thought.

I didn't want to hear all the gossip and rumours.

Had I pushed her for more information, probed further, it would almost certainly have changed what I did next.

So I'm thankful I didn't, because I realise now, my total ignorance of his past was one of the things that first attracted him to me.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**September 2012**

I started it.

Whatever anyone might believe; about him, or me.

About us.

In this instance they're wrong.

It was me that pursued him.

I don't often make friends, in fact I never do. The people in my life came to me and sort of stuck. I had never actively tried to make friends with someone.

But I was single-mindedly determined to know Edward Cullen.

Armed with everything Rose had told me, I got down to business as soon as she left.

I grabbed my laptop, and logged into Facebook. I looked up Edward Cullen but couldn't find him. So I went to Kate's profile and checked out her friends. I found Mason Cullen easily and then checked his list of friends; sure enough Edward Cullen's profile picture stared back at me in all its glory.

You've got to love Facebook stalking.

I clicked on his name, but all I could see was the same picture and the one friend we had in common.

Fucking stupid privacy settings.

I could either friend request him or send him a private message.

I spent most of that afternoon staring at Edward Cullen's beautiful face, debating what to do next.

And drinking wine.

It was only when I heard a key turn in the front door that I realised how much time had passed and hastily slammed the top down on my laptop.

"Really Bella, another day spent in front of your computer getting drunk?"

Ugh, Jake.

I scowled at him but said nothing.

He opened the fridge and sighed, "There's no food."

"So go shopping." I told him.

"All you have to do is keep the house tidy and go grocery shopping, surely it's not that difficult."

"Then you do it; if it's so fucking easy even a moron like you should be able to manage."

"I work all day, pick Alec up from school and come home to this shit, you think it's fair that I should have to shop, cook and clean as well?"

I shrugged; I didn't think about it at all, I didn't care what he did.

Although the main reason I didn't shop, cook or clean very often was because I knew he wanted me to and I liked pissing him off.

"Mommy." Alec came rushing into the kitchen and I smiled a genuine smile, welcoming him into my arms happily.

I spent the next few hours playing and talking with Alec.

Jake went shopping and cooked dinner, which he and Alec ate heartily.

Kate came home, said a brief hello and stomped up to her bedroom like the delightful fifteen year old she was.

I continued to drink my wine.

I bathed Alec and put him to bed, checked in on Kate, who didn't bother looking up from her phone as she told me to 'get lost', and returned downstairs to find Jake sat in front of the sports channel.

Just another typical evening.

"Do you want to watch a movie with me or something?" He asked when he saw me.

"Not even a little bit."

"Bella, can we talk?"

"Did you find somewhere else to live?"

"I'm not leaving."

"Then I have nothing to say to you."

I turned and stormed into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of wine and took it to the table with me, opening it and filling my glass.

Jake might be annoying as fuck, but he did keep the house stocked with a fair amount of the good stuff.

I opened up my laptop and when it pinged to life I was greeted by Edward Cullen's smiling profile picture.

Half hour and three glasses of wine later I was still staring.

"Fuck it" I mumbled to myself.

I clicked the private message button.

I typed several different messages, deleting them all, before gulping down the remainder of my wine and going with the truth.

**'Hey! I've seen you around, I think we should be friends.'**

As soon as I hit send I shut the computer down.

Feeling almost giddy I crept past the family room to my bedroom trying not to wake Jake who was asleep on the sofa, snoring loudly with the TV still blaring.

I couldn't stand him.

It was unfortunate really, seeing as we shared a house and more importantly a son.


End file.
